Healthy Thinspo

So, I realize this is a trend of my posts, but only because it gets me so worked up. Every now and then I look at this new discovery, thinspo and starving tips, to remind myself I am a skinny dieter, but I am not starving and off the deep end. It can be hard for people to tell you you need to eat more, and begin to wonder if you're being anorexic, but when I look at these blogs, I sigh relief and realize I'm not at all. I will never cut out bacon, I won't skin my apples, I won't put skinny people pictures onto my credit cards, and I won't lie to everyone in my life about being hungry. I won't touch my ribs to make myself happy, and I won't replace my meals with cough drops, and I won't trick myself into thinking water is food. PEOPLE IS CRAZY!

So, for all the girls in the world that just want to be healthier in size, or just want a pouch to go away, but all you can find are unrealistic pictures on thinspo, obviously mentally ill motivational quotes, and "Starving tips of the day!" I am going to make this a forever post with thinspiration tips that AREN'T ABOUT TRICKING YOUR BODY. I won't tell you to detox or take vitamins in place of food. That's unhealthy.

So, here are some helpful things to keep you away from the things that are obviously bad in life, or to give you a boost you just didn't know you were skipping out on.

Replacing the bad with equally satisfying indulgences: "There's an entire world of deliciously indulgent chocolatey caramelly surprise out there, totally guiltlessly."

1. Have a keurig. I'm not telling you thin is about consuming only black coffee, I'm telling you that k-cups come in delicious flavors that often quench my sweet tooth when I don't have any chocolate around the house- and that's a good thing if you're trying to avoid my third piece of cheesecake. They've got flavors to pinch that craving in a satisfying and not depriving way. Try German Chocolate Cake, or somehting that sounds like "Caramel Cream Cappucino with Sprinkles and Rainbows"! The more absurd it sounds, the more awesome the flavor truly is. Vanilla nut roast sounds boring, and tastes like coffee, and who craves coffee? I add low fat sugar-free french vanilla creamers if I think it's too blah with just splenda or natural vanilla.

2. Dessert jellos and yogurts available at the grocery did the science so you don't have to figure out how to make low calorie sugar-free taste good. This could range from whipped yogurt "chocolate mousse" to my personal favorite, caramel mousse jello (which sits at a tidy 60 calories.) Of course, there is a whole world out there of delcious wannabes that I'll eventually list, but another good one is "Trader Joe's low fat chocolate-flavoured cat cookies for people." At first you're like "eh" but after 5 you think you've been eating chocolate paste.

3. If sugar is the one thing that your body is susceptible to above all (like me), I present to you: sugar alcohols. I am blessed to not have intestinal reactions to high intake of sugar alcohols, because I love love LOVE sugar-free chocolates and sugar-free cupcakes, pies, etc. Some people get the runs. I would call that a love-hate bonus, because it's like getting a free laxative with the mint on your pillow... gross, but if you're trying to lose weight, I guess it probably doesn't hurt.

Get more active. I am the last person to tell anyone to be active, but I can tell you how to make it happen:

1. I started riding my bike because I was too lazy to walk all the way to campus. Too time consuming. I'd wait until the last possible moment and then ride. And it turned out the high bike seat targeted the areas of my legs running long distance never could. Get a bike, cut corners, and maybe you'll get lucky.

2. Eat protein in the morning. It'll get that metabolism going. I like to eat egg whites, or bacon, and then finish off with nuts. Why nuts?

3. Nuts, avocado, all those "good fats" are great for making you have energy, the kind of energy that makes you antsy to stop sitting on the couch. So put some in you and start aimlessly walking around the house, folding laundry and doing jumping jacks. A handful of nuts is a good limit though.

What to do when you just want to eat without rhyme or reason. I fall victim to just wanting to keep my mouth and hands and belly active, even if I have no cravings, and here are some things I eat:

1. Tea. I like tea because it sometimes has a hint of fruit (Constant Comment), and when I put splenda in it then it feels like I'm drinking orange slices candy or something. Also, sometimes there are teas like "hot apple cider" with the apple and cinnamon taste, but without the stuff that's in apple cider that's kind of horrible for you. Tea is something that is basically free, tastes yummy, you can make over and over again, makes you feel snuggly, and satisfies your hands, mouth, and belly while you're reading or watching tv or talking with friends.

2. Seaweed snacks- okay okay most people probably think this is gross, and I actually got into it because I was wrapping my own sushi and broken bits of paper appealed to my cat like you wouldn't believe, so I tried it. I liked it, but it definitely grows on you. Then I started trying seasoned sushi and it was all over- Trader Joe's Seaweed Crunchies are TO DIE FOR. They have more crap in them then plain seaweed, but frankly, not much. I think a whole package is like 95 calories or something. They're super light but very flavorful. If you go to an asian food store, you'll find an overwhelming array of (very cheap) packages of seaweed snacks in their own little snack packages. The thing I have now is basically a 6 month supply I got for under 4 dollars, there are 3-5 squares in each sealed packet, and about 600 packets. I think it was 5 packets to 20 calories or something silly.

3. Pickles. There is nothing in a pickle besides substance and flavor. Genius. I will eat them all.

4. Raw tomato sliced and lightly salted, or with basil and vinegar.

Boiling Water

I'll never forget that last morning at Moka.

We were down to rat poop rice and some cheese, though we were out of generator gas and water. We were going to make some tea. So we got a pot and went to the outdoor kitchen, and tried to start a fire. Oh man, did we try to start a fire. It was horrible. We were so bad at making a fire. Eventually a jaded 17 year old shooed us away and made the fire easily.

We filled our pot with water from the basins, and then Kelly shrieked. There were a half a dozen worms in the inch of water we put into the bottom of that pot. Our stomachs churned, and we dumped it out, then somehow found one last bottle of water nestled behind rotten plantains. We steadied the pot on the "tripod" of rocks over our little fire. We pourred in the water, and just like that...

the pot tipped over and the water put out that fire we tried to make all gd morning.


So we took the rest of the bottle of water, mixed it with instant coffee, and we sat there in the driveway, quietly. Along flew a bird, mere yards in front of us, that we had discovered was not yet identified as living on the island, but no one ever believed us when we said we saw it. Camera batteries were dead, and we sat there, sipping our coffee. Ain't that just the luck.

Black

Today, as I watched the Mad Men episode with the assassination of Kennedy, I realized something horrible: I think it would mean more to this country and truly stimulate enlightenment for us to lose our first black president, than it even did for him to be elected. Like Martin Luther King, Jr., is it possible more people listened and cared after he died? I wish I knew. And I wish I knew what it would mean in post-racial society.

Drexel Monies

Things I hate about Drexel:

-Exorbitant tuition
-Unbalanced distribution of funding from tuition
-Patrons that condition their funding to the already most prestigious programs
-How cold it is in the summer indoors
-How we beef up our appearance for orientation
-That we've been under construction since I came here
-How much they charge for things here on top of our grotesque tuition
-Over-the-top resource waste for celebrations (I loved inauguration week but I don't want to know how much those extremely reputable concert women cost alone, let alone the 3 floor catering and cocktails)
-Wasted print resources. Instead of making an orientation sign in poster print that says "Carrie Fischer", make one that says "Group 4" or that is orange, so it's reusable in the future. I beg you.

Things I love about Drexel:
-100% wind powered
-Removal of trays from the entrance of the dining hall, so people reconsider if they need one or not
-Sierra Club's realistic, non-extremist, understanding members, and their intiative success
--- 100% cage free eggs! I remember when we were campaigning for this!
-Our brilliant presidents, Papadak and John Fry. The shift from a president that focused on and succeeded in economic and development growth to establish renown for Drexel, to one focused on community relations and environmental values is beautiful, well-balanced, and not disappointing
-THE LINDY DONATION OF $15MILLION AND HIS CANDID HONESTY.
- Cultural passports. Are these available for purchase as upperclassmen? I think so.
-Nesbitt Gallery
-Everything Crete has done for Drexel. I think Freshman should receive a 7 minute briefing on what "akis" means on all of our buildings.
-12% international students
-Co-op (I do NOT love that you charge us the same amount of tuition when we're on co-op as you do when we're in classes, but if we rearrange when we'll be taking co-op vs classes then we're charged $7000/term. I want my $7000 back, I'd have a much better GPA and financial standing if you'd not stolen a term of tuition from me.)
-Classical studies
-Dancing electives (thank you for teaching me ballroom, and taking me back to Africa by bringing in an instructor from the community arts center on Lancaster.)
-Availability of cultural events and opportunities. I wish somewhere there was a collective calendar for non-culture studies students to become aware of these opportunities.
-Commuter programs. They're an amazing resource, and always embracing. Special support to the amazing Jessica.
-Miss Dottie and the asian woman whose english has improved over the past 4 years.

Remember when this photo hit the internet and guys salivated?

Keep this in mind for a little bit.

I don't know where it comes from. Maybe it's envy, maybe it's discomfort, maybe it's being surprised by what you see in photographs. But I think the base component is lack of control. It's so easy to feel like you don't have a grip, and when you're trying to keep the water in your hands and suddenly see something you don't want in that reflecting pool, it can happen. And it will never truly leave you.

I really think the pairing is key, because each will be a trigger for the end of time. Feeling out of control will subconsciously remind you you're not skinny enough, and not liking your body image will subconsciously inflict the pain of when you didn't have that control. Only when there's an equilibrium weight and steady control will the perpetuation lay dormant.

I say this because I am obsessed with anorexia stories and their candidness. There's a shame that everyone wants to share, to point out how horribly hard it was, not because they want to dwell on how dumb it may seem, but to explain how hard it was to escape to outsiders. They know it's unhealthy, they know it all... but it so quickly becomes so easy, and such an obsession, because of the utter control, and eventually they get lost in the worst part of it all: they have no control over their obsession beyond it's perpetuation. They're stuck, no matter how much they sneak to think they don't have to be. Not hungry, not tired- enthusiastic, beautiful.

I think the thoughts here often turn to victim, victim to oneself. And you cannot be saved without external force, but you feel so hushed, so silenced. When will someone notice, when will someone help, without being mean?

So I was watching all these youtube videos of girls sharing their pictures and their stories, their successes and their failures, but their hope. And one of them references "thinspo"... she became obsessed with thinspo and she spent all her time looking at it. I didn't know what this was so I googled it and it roughly means "thin-spiration." It's a subculture on the internet that shares pictures, tips, and quotes that keep them motivated in their goal for ultimate thinness. I have to say that they usually feature people that are TOO thin, not healthy-thin, which is negative even for obese women using "thinspiration" blogs to eat more healthy.

I'm a kind of "sick person" myself. I say this as someone now body conscious, but very aware of gross body skinny-ness. Once a sufferer of the short-term, I realized the unfortunate truth that anyone in the condition will never truly be free. But I find myself in a dormant state of peace, with mild agitation. I let the thoughts come but immediately confront them. It's sad, really... probably like having herpes. Even if you never get an outbreak again, every time you are interested in someone it will always be nagging in the back of your mind. And that's how I am, it's always there, daunting once a week or so, saying something like a twisted sister in my ear. It's easy for me to punch it in the face, though. I constantly put effort into coalescing how I see my body and how others do, and I think it's an important method in order to be mentally healthy.

So, understanding the "sick people," but identifying outside of them, I slipped myself into a few thinspo blogs to understand the mindset, but to critique it as a recovered person. And it was sickening. The things people say, I think that if someone stumbled upon thinspo that had never been in the condition, they'd think it was all a joke. Heck, even I thought it was a method of recovery at first, somberly noting the condition of so many wrecked women and girls. And then I realized, the ribs, the bones, the quotes... were all a means of motivating, forcing the obsession. It was like when a horror movie suddenly get sick, and there's that dark note when you realize everything is twisted. That's how my mind and stomach wretched when I realized the reality of thinspo.

So, that photo at the top of this entry... I didn't recognize one of those models when I saw that picture a while ago. Here the women are in another pose.


Recognize her yet? Nope, me neither, but she sure does look disgusting.

Oh, wait... it's Candice Swanepoel, the sweet blonde bombshell lingerie model with the curves that were always the most luscious of the pack.


Among other things thinspo offers are starving tips and praise for the skinniest icons. It makes me sad that this culture exists on the internet because it will cause so much relapse for the obsessive. I guess at the end of the day I have to respect that some people want what they want, I just have so much trouble believing they are happy at the end.

To end on a brighter note, This reminds me, also, that I saw something from Irish television called "Supersize vs. Superskinny," helping women through extreme eating habits in healthy ways. I love it. I recommend watching it for inspiration and feel-good effects of women coming out of a hard situation happy! :) My favorite is Charlotte and Heather so far. :)

My polka-dot dresses

I've been thinking about making a sub-blog, when I actually get back to blogging, featuring my black-and-white polka-dot finds.

I've felt a little guilty

lately because I bought a case of water like a month ago 60% off. I know I shouldn't be buying bottled water, but I got the mega eco bottles and it was meant to encourage me to drink more water BECAUSE I REALLY LIKE THAT PLASTIC TASTE. Tap water, brita, rain... you just don't got it.

Sushi counts

I've been thinking about trying a semi-raw diet for a month this summer. And maybe another month I'd do a local diet. I just am nervous about how my metabolism and things would react after coming off the semi-raw diet.

So yeah, by semi-raw I mean most things uncooked, like vegetables... but I wouldn't be vegan. So basically I would also eat cheese and fish, which might require being smoked or broiled. Sue me. Finally, I also will permit cooked rice and the occasional steaming of vegetables.

But this is of course all hypothetical. I don't know yet if I'm going to do it. I just want to.

Kristen Wiig

I am exactly the lead character in Bridesmaids right now. And I've been progressing towards that bottom point. And I feel I'm about to hit it and it's so scary. And really I just want to bake pretty cupcakes and have a cake shop.

I know that in the way I handle situations I am my problem, but I hope people also recognize that I am my solution, and give me that chance. I hope people respond positively and optimistically and supportively when I hit bottom, instead of suggesting that mistakes are valueless and I'll never recover.

I cried at such a dumb point in that movie, just because I envied the support she had when everything went to shit.

Just a thought on high fashion.

I was reading a blog comment about recently eliminated America's Next Top Model contestant Kasia Pilewicz, a full figure model. They commenter said "There's a certain height and shape requirement for high fashion, and it is not meant to be shown in full figure."

WHAT? HOW IS THE WORLD OKAY WITH THESE PERSPECTIVES? "We're sorry, but fashion is meant for those that are not a full figure. Must be half a figure or less to be high fashion."

The New Tea Time Attire

It takes spring time for me to be motivated and joyous again. I have been working on my future, and while I desperately cling to my not-so-secret ambition for a bakery of elaborate dessert goods, Egyptology phd applications are in the works. Life sure is tough when you're in a toss up between being Indiana Jones and a cupcake connoisseur.

But I digress... in the mean time, to brighten my spirits, my blog will be revived featuring my deliciously adorable culinary endeavors, photography, artwork, and seamstress-ing. Today launches my spring collection, but until there is work to show, I'll sneak preview with some low-quality samples.

Ghosts

I miss my ghost. Just thought you should know.
But on that topic, I've been confronting lots of unwanted ghosts lately. I've realized there are only two ways for me to ever find peace in a situation where I was wronged in love: 1. Have it made right, 2. Come to understand and love the women who really were not to blame.
I am trying.
Live and let live.

RACE TO THE POLYGLOT

Commence the Politzer/Elliott Race to the Polyglot. (I think I might have already lost.)

In better news, today I'm having a picnic, all homemade. :) There are spring rolls with peanut sauce, there's hummus, and there will soon be chicken barbecue. :)
In sadder news, it's raining. :(

I must confess to loving Lady Gaga's "Alejandro." It reminds me of the Ace of Base song "Don't Turn Around," and I can smell a lawsuit coming over that one. The video is a little crazy here, extremely suggestive, and very sexual. The haircut is unflattering, but she generally looks pretty normal? The men are nice to look at, too. Le sigh. Alejandro...



Puppy and I are packing because our life has taken another exciting twist. On Sunday we will be boarding a plane for Athens, with a layover in Zurich. We will live on the exotic Greek Isle of Crete for the summer, and it will be fabulous, with good company, good food, and good weather. :) I've been designing dresses for two weeks and tomorrow, they become reality.


Tomorrow, that dress will be mine :)

The ghost and I made a decision today.

"I got up and told him I'd made my decision, it would be better this way, and the silent ghost, for the first time, was the sound of a bad pull across a violin."



He's been around, muffled, but there was still something off, something muting that indicated he was there.

And then I set him free. I don't know if he was there immediately, or if he just took the time to breathe for a while.

But the next day, he was there, full throttle.
He's not a tricksie ghost like the ghost at the Ox, and you don't see him... you feel him. He emotional guides you. And he was there. And so rattled, I walked to class on the verge of tears just from sitting with him blankly mere moments. I was shaken at almost my worst, and I got into my classroom and thought "This is what people look like when people say 'You look like you've just seen a ghost.'" Because I had. And all I could do was take out a pen, and feverishly, I wrote this:

"I have a ghost. I don't know if he's in my house or just attached to me, but today, he's made it clear- I have a ghost.

It was like that part of Phantom of the opera, when they pull the cover off the chandelier and everything goes color as it lifts, cue that organ music... except it was the opposite- everything went sepia, still, silent.

When I first unknowingly unleashed him it wasn't this way- it was liberating, it was new life- it was something I couldn't quite put my finger on.

But now, it's impossible to not notice. It's a part of the room, a place, where everything goes muffled. Thoughts, emotions, real sound... all becomes gentle, calm, quiet when passed through this place. It's that day in elementary school when they hold a minute of silence in memory of Dr. Seuss... the first moment an innocent heart and mind ponders something both beautiful and sad, and above all, profound. Every time I pass through this place is that minute of silence.

I don't know for sure what this is about, but why would he silence me, and everything, unless there's something to hear, to feel? What does he want me to hear?"

So I decided he was trying to make me hear something, but what was I listening for? Was he going to tell me something? Was I missing something?

And then today, something happened. Something that had a consequence I need to deal with, and it's kind of a big deal, and a big decision, whichever way I want to go.

There is a huge amount of opportunity available, but it might seem unsavory? Rash? I wanted the opportunity so badly, I thought. The whole way home I made a list of pros and cons. And then, I walked in the door, set my bag on the couch, and promised him we'd talk about it, honestly, and all my feelings and all my doubts. I sat down and he held me.

Right, so I have to make a huge decision... and I did it in a 30 minute talk... with a ghost? My life is not average.

Well, we talked about how rash it was, how disapproving people might be, but at the same time how supportive everyone is. We discussed the responsibilities involved, the losses, the gains, the risks. Was this level-headed? So we let go of what everyone would think was the issue and weighed the situation without the variable. Either route seemed about even. Probably neck and neck. Except, of course, that one would receive judgment, maybe. Ouch.

I got up and told him I'd made my decision, it would be better this way, and the silent ghost, for the first time, was the sound of a bad pull across a violin.

"I haven't heard it yet, huh? I'm still not listening for the right thing."

Okay. So I sat back down, and I tried to be as quiet in every way as I could be. And I heard the birds... summertime, memories. I smiled but knew this wasn't it, we'd already been over where this was leading. Then, I listened to my heart, my real heart, all of it. And first I listened to those parts everyone does, the love ones, the people. But this wasn't it, I already knew, so I suppressed everything that he considered distracting, too. After all, there is more to my heart, to any heart. I asked myself what did I want, my heart, what was it missing, why was it empty, quiet, muted like my ghost. There had already been scissors taken to my covering, the staples ripped out to unveil this quiet heart. I was already exposed, it was just me, no faded facade. And what am I? What do I do, where do I go, what are my undying aspirations, what makes the sound? And I heard a sound, a bit like a rattlesnake, a little like a hyrax. It was Rhianna and T.I. It was like the wind instrument in Shakira music, it was hispanic guitars and languages I don't understand in chants.






"I hear, in my heart, adventure."
And I sat up. I'd ignore any opposition. I said it again, out loud, "My heart wants an adventure," I insisted, overpowering any protest that might be erupting. I picked up my things with a smile and stepped to the stairs, and faced him once more, sure to receive disapproval, but he wasn't silent. He sang an exotic sound, like a sly smile and a cocked eyebrow in a hollow, varying pitch. And he just won't stop. This was what he intended me to hear. It's time for another adventure.

Αγάπη μου, είσαι στην καρδιά μου για πάντα.

I did the Tough Mudder yesterday. With this guy:

Okay, so, we only ran together for about 3 minutes before he owned me.

And I am so sunburnt! Like, annoying sports bra with odd cut-out in the back sunburnt. Ugh. And sore. And torn apart in the kneeses and forearms. It feels awesome. I flew up the stairs all day so far. The music throughout yesterday was awesome, but probably my favorite was the bagpipes that played for the fallen police lieutenant by his squad. They ran, and they were probably the best of the emotions involved. Short anecdote: After going through a few onstacles alongside the men in red t-shirts for their fallen partner (there were probably 50+), heaving either as well-sculpted men or large guys just trying to get by, finally, alone, I was alongside a pair. We were carrying logs up the ski slope, and I said, "I think it's really wonderful, what you guys are doing out here," and one turned to look at me and said, "You know, it's so hard today. I haven't stopped thinking about him for a minute yet."

There were a lot of very memorable incidents, but I'd like to note that the day fully restored my confidence in running as the all-time best sport ever. It's emotional, it's mental, it develops confidence and sense of achievement, but most of all, the fundamentals have always supported comradery. And this run, which was all about being tough and doing tough things and proving yourself, really shifted when we got there, and became all about toughing it together. People were already encouraging each other up the first hill, already going back for teammates. As I crawled through the snow with strangers on either side of me, I picked up exhausted handfuls and sprinkled them on their backs, rubbed their arms with the melting ice. And they did it back. Men heaved me over 12ft walls and after I established myself as one of the most badass women in the first water obstacle, I WENT BACK TO HELP A HUGE BLACK MAN. Teamwork. It's gorgeous. Oh and this guy caught me from sliding all the way down a mud hill-- minimal blood lost.

In other news, I'm baking bread. Oh wait, no I'm not, I don't have ingredients.

lolmgawd

When I worked at a minigolf place, one of my duties was, if I noticed groundhogs, to sprinkle the area with powdered grape drink mix. My boss, Jess, said they didn't like it. I wonder if that true, or if he just wanted to get rid of that powdered drink mix and thought it would be funny to watch.

Finally, some music. I'm not including any Philharmonic, but I'd just like to say that Philharmonic is one of the most beautiful words ever. Also, try being from Philadelphia and typing Philharmonic without a typo.

All grown up and having comp-ed business trips...

So, this weekend I'm at a Gender conference in Roanoke at the stellar Hotel Roanoke Conference Center... and so far it's a pretty bangin' experience. I happen to have the world's most entertaining boss, for starters, so the 7 hour drive wasn't at all bad from the passenger seat, save the need for like, 16 bathroom stops after our excessive Starbucks consumption. We listened to good music, and I got to see the beautiful Blue Ridge Mountains! :) But no pictures, because it was weird from the passenger seat. If I have a good view from outside tomorrow, I'll take something mediocre. We didn't stop to see the Paul Bunyan statue because we couldn't find it.

We got to the hotel around 8, checked me in to the goooorrrgeeeooouusss hotel, found my little (but lovely) room, and I got free cookies! But, I didn't really see myself in a place that I'd be given a credit card number for internet, food, and champagne? Um, my job is pretty cool?

I'm finishing the slideshow for our 9 am presentation, and it's purple. We're pretty psyched about that.

Also, did I mention? AUTUMN AND SHUMAR GO TO WHITE CASTLE! Okay, well, we didn't go to white castle, we just got burgers from sev. And he didn't eat them, just me. Pretend.

So, I'm getting pretty exhausted and don't feel up to glorifying this.

That other love of my life.

Hey, look at that, Scott has a camera:

I once traveled the mediterranean around the ripe age of 17, and for 4 hours, visited the world's stunning city of Debrovnik, Croatia. Whilst roaming the crowded streets, we stopped in a small bakery called Nika, and my group took a while between its larger size and an unfortunate serbo-croatian dispute. So I spent a while sitting at a table, waiting as the local business also poured through, when there came a man to the counter.

And I will never forget his face, his hair, his eyebrows... he was probably about 25 at the time, wore all black and a white waist apron, and he was tall and thin. He ordered in croatian and then turned and looked at me, and it was one of those times you awkwardly make eye contact and then turn your head, except neither of us turned. It was a very long wait, because it was a very busy place, and he paid without looking away from me.

I decided then that he might be the love of my life, and neither of us could say a thing to each other.

He eventually took his order, smiled at me, and carried a bundle of about 30 baguettes up the crooked cobble street. I hurried outside to watch him disappear in the crowd, and my heart broke. I came home and broke up with my silly boyfriend of the time because i realized how i could never even begin to love him like I loved that stranger in a bakery.

A few years later, i was watching television, when I happened about a silly show, in which there was a tall pie maker with just the right skin tone, dressed all in black, with a white waist apron, and the exact same face, same hair but with sun, exact same everything. It was him, except another person with a slightly broader frame. But from then on I was entirely dedicated to the television program on every monday night that enabled me one hour with the love of my life.

Who could guess all the places our feelings take us? Desires for adventure, longing for reality, longing for fantasy, love for family and home, romance and heartbreak... I've been there and back again, always driven by the power of emotion. So here we find ourselves again, or rather I find myself, passionate for a boy not at all what I would have initially been picking in my infinite freedom for man meat selection, but I suppose that's the way I've always worked. People's personalities have always been necessary for their utter beauty to prove true, and I find this skinny, broad smiled goof more perfect by the moment, from his dark hair with widows peak to his metro sexual fashion sense and unique athletic talents. How unfortunate that every day I like him more, though every day is one day longer I've been 5000 miles from him. Oh, bother. :)

I find that, while my life has been through a beautiful reform these past few weeks, waking early, being work efficient, cleaning and cooking and better managing my life and time and happiness, I've also lost my desire to "go out." I am 21 and have not yet legally gone out, and the peak of my whole drinking thing is a glass of wine in bed. I like pretty dresses and tea, not nights and city lights. I cannot pretend otherwise without the most appropriate company. To those that seem offended, there were times when I wanted to go and it wasn't in your cards... so now I suppose the tables have turned, and I'm just not up for it or the lifestyle. Though every Thursday I hear the walk to Blockley and smile a little bit. :)

I'm including in this playlist some Francis Cabrel, my favorite french singer... I especially love Le Petit Gars, my favorite, but it wasn't available to add. I recommend looking it up!

Zu Poland, mit Gott.

How to Grow a Woman From the Ground

An unrelated amusing quote:

"Girls are dumb! Its not what you look like naked that counts -- its the naked."

You have made me a sucker for seersucker, and pleased with corny pastel polos. Where is my head when you put on knit ties? None of this quite makes very much sense, except that I love that I love so many new things!

So pardon me, but this is going to be a very like-y post. And by "like" I mean something else.

You know what really gets me down? When people lie. Like, they do a really great job of convincing you to believe them, and then, suddenly, when you believe them and the time is now, they're letting you down. It's heartbreaking. And all you can do about it is make sure you have enough of the right kind of people around you at the time to help you with the fall. For this, I really am grateful for my family of amazing women, along with Alex Weiss, Kattie Kranich, and Stitch.

I'm bringing the art back into my life. It starts with white backdrops and ends with a sigh. Sometimes people inspire you to share the beauty. When there's so much happy in you that it's spilling over and you don't know what to do with all that beautiful elation dripping from your heart, sometimes art is a good idea, and it is finally one of those times again. I don't care if the products look mediocre or amateur, because we'll know that the looks will be deceiving... there is no way all the love I put into it will show entirely. (Similar to that time I made you tortellini.)

"To my heart I must be true, there's nothing left but me and you. You're the one that I want, the one I need."

I started taking my Greek class, and I'd just like everyone to know... I am pretty awesome. I learned to read in 20 minutes, and write an hour later. I am flying through my homework, learning words for real by heart, and only mildly intimidated by using cases and grammar again. I'm pretty thrilled that this is one of my languages this term. Hopefully french gives me so much mercy. I hope french is anywhere near this fun. I really love what I've gotten into already with Greek... I just take a little time to adjust to my professor's accent!

Also, supposing I manage my time, you know, AT ALL this term, now that I'm not depressed from a broken heart and have some spring time motivation, I have some great plans for my non-homework hours! I will learn my instrument better, in addition to a language. And before you know it, my renaissance woman features will be flourishing. Haha. That was a moment of vanity. No one cares, Autumn.

There's no need to complicate, our time is short, this is our fate, I'm yours.

I really love just nice, acoustic, clean-voiced music. It can be so refreshing to take a vacation from most radio and bathe in Jack Johnson's prowess pond, spend some time on the Outer Dave Matthews Banks, swim with Hootie and the Blowfish, and soak up some sun on the Beach Boys in their acapellas (see below playlist.) It just reminds me of pure, perfect times with the most gentle of kindness, happiness, and good feelings. Like warm sun and fresh cut grass at a concert in the park.

This is possibly the girliest playlist ever:

Today's photos compliments Springtime good feelings!

It's TOMS Shoes barefoot awareness day!

Millions of children in the world do not have foot cover for trips to school, hikes to water, or daily life, increasing risk for injury and infection. Go today, part of the day, or even just a few minutes, barefoot, to experience a life without shoes firsthand, and to help spread awareness of the impact a simple pair of shoes can bring to a child's life.

I don't want these blossoms to ever end!!! I wish I had a non-webcam camera with manual capabilities.

So, I was finally able to register for classes today because it was taking forever to update my cycle status. A tidbit on that from my friend Joel (was probably more hilarious to me at the time):"My economics professor has a thing in his syllabus that's like 'I won't teach anyone who is having financial issues to resolve wth Drexel.' I'm like.. dude, thats 97.5 percent of everyone in this room."


I used sex appeal (daisy dukes and faux ignorance) to get complimentary vehicular service yesterday. I live in a world where I embrace women that use sexual harassment and discrimination to their advantage/ for the amenities, because if there exists conditions where women are actually given a one-up for male stupidity, then men deserve to have it exercised/ taken advantage.

Happy Springtime, enjoy this beautiful day!

p.s.- "tell him that you belong to me"