Black

Today, as I watched the Mad Men episode with the assassination of Kennedy, I realized something horrible: I think it would mean more to this country and truly stimulate enlightenment for us to lose our first black president, than it even did for him to be elected. Like Martin Luther King, Jr., is it possible more people listened and cared after he died? I wish I knew. And I wish I knew what it would mean in post-racial society.

Drexel Monies

Things I hate about Drexel:

-Exorbitant tuition
-Unbalanced distribution of funding from tuition
-Patrons that condition their funding to the already most prestigious programs
-How cold it is in the summer indoors
-How we beef up our appearance for orientation
-That we've been under construction since I came here
-How much they charge for things here on top of our grotesque tuition
-Over-the-top resource waste for celebrations (I loved inauguration week but I don't want to know how much those extremely reputable concert women cost alone, let alone the 3 floor catering and cocktails)
-Wasted print resources. Instead of making an orientation sign in poster print that says "Carrie Fischer", make one that says "Group 4" or that is orange, so it's reusable in the future. I beg you.

Things I love about Drexel:
-100% wind powered
-Removal of trays from the entrance of the dining hall, so people reconsider if they need one or not
-Sierra Club's realistic, non-extremist, understanding members, and their intiative success
--- 100% cage free eggs! I remember when we were campaigning for this!
-Our brilliant presidents, Papadak and John Fry. The shift from a president that focused on and succeeded in economic and development growth to establish renown for Drexel, to one focused on community relations and environmental values is beautiful, well-balanced, and not disappointing
-THE LINDY DONATION OF $15MILLION AND HIS CANDID HONESTY.
- Cultural passports. Are these available for purchase as upperclassmen? I think so.
-Nesbitt Gallery
-Everything Crete has done for Drexel. I think Freshman should receive a 7 minute briefing on what "akis" means on all of our buildings.
-12% international students
-Co-op (I do NOT love that you charge us the same amount of tuition when we're on co-op as you do when we're in classes, but if we rearrange when we'll be taking co-op vs classes then we're charged $7000/term. I want my $7000 back, I'd have a much better GPA and financial standing if you'd not stolen a term of tuition from me.)
-Classical studies
-Dancing electives (thank you for teaching me ballroom, and taking me back to Africa by bringing in an instructor from the community arts center on Lancaster.)
-Availability of cultural events and opportunities. I wish somewhere there was a collective calendar for non-culture studies students to become aware of these opportunities.
-Commuter programs. They're an amazing resource, and always embracing. Special support to the amazing Jessica.
-Miss Dottie and the asian woman whose english has improved over the past 4 years.

Remember when this photo hit the internet and guys salivated?

Keep this in mind for a little bit.

I don't know where it comes from. Maybe it's envy, maybe it's discomfort, maybe it's being surprised by what you see in photographs. But I think the base component is lack of control. It's so easy to feel like you don't have a grip, and when you're trying to keep the water in your hands and suddenly see something you don't want in that reflecting pool, it can happen. And it will never truly leave you.

I really think the pairing is key, because each will be a trigger for the end of time. Feeling out of control will subconsciously remind you you're not skinny enough, and not liking your body image will subconsciously inflict the pain of when you didn't have that control. Only when there's an equilibrium weight and steady control will the perpetuation lay dormant.

I say this because I am obsessed with anorexia stories and their candidness. There's a shame that everyone wants to share, to point out how horribly hard it was, not because they want to dwell on how dumb it may seem, but to explain how hard it was to escape to outsiders. They know it's unhealthy, they know it all... but it so quickly becomes so easy, and such an obsession, because of the utter control, and eventually they get lost in the worst part of it all: they have no control over their obsession beyond it's perpetuation. They're stuck, no matter how much they sneak to think they don't have to be. Not hungry, not tired- enthusiastic, beautiful.

I think the thoughts here often turn to victim, victim to oneself. And you cannot be saved without external force, but you feel so hushed, so silenced. When will someone notice, when will someone help, without being mean?

So I was watching all these youtube videos of girls sharing their pictures and their stories, their successes and their failures, but their hope. And one of them references "thinspo"... she became obsessed with thinspo and she spent all her time looking at it. I didn't know what this was so I googled it and it roughly means "thin-spiration." It's a subculture on the internet that shares pictures, tips, and quotes that keep them motivated in their goal for ultimate thinness. I have to say that they usually feature people that are TOO thin, not healthy-thin, which is negative even for obese women using "thinspiration" blogs to eat more healthy.

I'm a kind of "sick person" myself. I say this as someone now body conscious, but very aware of gross body skinny-ness. Once a sufferer of the short-term, I realized the unfortunate truth that anyone in the condition will never truly be free. But I find myself in a dormant state of peace, with mild agitation. I let the thoughts come but immediately confront them. It's sad, really... probably like having herpes. Even if you never get an outbreak again, every time you are interested in someone it will always be nagging in the back of your mind. And that's how I am, it's always there, daunting once a week or so, saying something like a twisted sister in my ear. It's easy for me to punch it in the face, though. I constantly put effort into coalescing how I see my body and how others do, and I think it's an important method in order to be mentally healthy.

So, understanding the "sick people," but identifying outside of them, I slipped myself into a few thinspo blogs to understand the mindset, but to critique it as a recovered person. And it was sickening. The things people say, I think that if someone stumbled upon thinspo that had never been in the condition, they'd think it was all a joke. Heck, even I thought it was a method of recovery at first, somberly noting the condition of so many wrecked women and girls. And then I realized, the ribs, the bones, the quotes... were all a means of motivating, forcing the obsession. It was like when a horror movie suddenly get sick, and there's that dark note when you realize everything is twisted. That's how my mind and stomach wretched when I realized the reality of thinspo.

So, that photo at the top of this entry... I didn't recognize one of those models when I saw that picture a while ago. Here the women are in another pose.


Recognize her yet? Nope, me neither, but she sure does look disgusting.

Oh, wait... it's Candice Swanepoel, the sweet blonde bombshell lingerie model with the curves that were always the most luscious of the pack.


Among other things thinspo offers are starving tips and praise for the skinniest icons. It makes me sad that this culture exists on the internet because it will cause so much relapse for the obsessive. I guess at the end of the day I have to respect that some people want what they want, I just have so much trouble believing they are happy at the end.

To end on a brighter note, This reminds me, also, that I saw something from Irish television called "Supersize vs. Superskinny," helping women through extreme eating habits in healthy ways. I love it. I recommend watching it for inspiration and feel-good effects of women coming out of a hard situation happy! :) My favorite is Charlotte and Heather so far. :)

My polka-dot dresses

I've been thinking about making a sub-blog, when I actually get back to blogging, featuring my black-and-white polka-dot finds.

I've felt a little guilty

lately because I bought a case of water like a month ago 60% off. I know I shouldn't be buying bottled water, but I got the mega eco bottles and it was meant to encourage me to drink more water BECAUSE I REALLY LIKE THAT PLASTIC TASTE. Tap water, brita, rain... you just don't got it.

Sushi counts

I've been thinking about trying a semi-raw diet for a month this summer. And maybe another month I'd do a local diet. I just am nervous about how my metabolism and things would react after coming off the semi-raw diet.

So yeah, by semi-raw I mean most things uncooked, like vegetables... but I wouldn't be vegan. So basically I would also eat cheese and fish, which might require being smoked or broiled. Sue me. Finally, I also will permit cooked rice and the occasional steaming of vegetables.

But this is of course all hypothetical. I don't know yet if I'm going to do it. I just want to.

Kristen Wiig

I am exactly the lead character in Bridesmaids right now. And I've been progressing towards that bottom point. And I feel I'm about to hit it and it's so scary. And really I just want to bake pretty cupcakes and have a cake shop.

I know that in the way I handle situations I am my problem, but I hope people also recognize that I am my solution, and give me that chance. I hope people respond positively and optimistically and supportively when I hit bottom, instead of suggesting that mistakes are valueless and I'll never recover.

I cried at such a dumb point in that movie, just because I envied the support she had when everything went to shit.